Hold me closer, set me free

I’ve been having a hard time lately. I guess I’m depressed, but maybe I’m just burned out. I feel like I need a break, but then when I think of getting away, I get panicky. Sometimes I want nothing more than to extricate myself from the sticky embraces of my children, but then when I’m away from them for even a few minutes, I miss them so much I can hardly breathe.

I know a break for me would benefit all of us. The last time I went out without the kids was almost a month ago. A friend took me out to lunch followed by a visit to the communal baths at Kabuki Springs and Spa. My friend’s husband and children met up with Jack, JJ, and The Peanut, so I knew that everyone was having a great time in my absence. Nevertheless, as soon as I started driving away from our house, I felt a wave of sadness crash over me. And even though I spent a relaxing afternoon in the company of someone I really like, I couldn’t wait to see Jack and the kids.

But that’s exactly what I needed. When I got home, I got the full-on rock star greeting that Jack gets every evening when he gets back from work. I hugged and kissed everyone as if I’d been gone for a month. I played with the kids, read them books, and put them to bed without feeling resentful or taxed. Then I snuggled in with Jack and thoroughly enjoyed just being at home. And this feeling of goodwill and happiness lasted all through the next day. I was able to be present in a way that I often am not: instead of watching the clock, I savored each moment for what it was. Even the most mundane of tasks seemed joyful. The children definitely picked up on my mood: both were perfectly behaved and delightful all day long.

So why do I find it so hard to take time out for myself? This weekend I’d decided I was going to attend a yoga class for the first time in over a year. I’d been looking forward to it for days. But at the last minute, I bailed. Jack was making pancakes, everyone was still in their jammies, and the house seemed so warm and cozy. Even though I knew that I’d come back from class feeling refreshed and energized, I couldn’t bring myself to walk out the door.

I think I need someone to kick my ass a little. I need someone to remind me that when I take time for myself, I’m a better mother, a better wife, and a better me.