Survival mode

Today my only goal is to make it through the day with all three of us alive. I fear that I may be aiming too high.

The Peanut is going through something right now. I have no idea what it is, but she isn’t sleeping and she’s full of angst. Last night she was up at least every hour. I kind of lost track after midnight, but I know I was in with her a lot, and Jack said he was, too. I wish we could have just brought her into our bed for the night, but she can’t sleep with us. As soon as she’s in our room, she thinks it’s party time.

So today she’s completely exhausted, but of course she can’t nap. I finally put her in her crib because she was just lying on the floor, sobbing as if her heart would break. I tried rocking her and nursing her and singing to her and walking her around the house. Nothing I do makes her feel better.

I’m exhausted, too. And I feel like a shitty mom. JJ really needs to get out and run around, but the idea of getting dressed, packing up our shit, and then hanging out half-asleep at the playground makes me want to shoot myself.

I know it’s not going to kill anyone if we just sit home in our pajamas and watch videos all day, but I don’t feel good about it. JJ's going to be bouncing off the walls by this afternoon. I want to go back to bed.